Inside my mind, before I write my novel, I sometimes get an intensive feeling of fear, self doubt, worry, anxiety. I can’t name it completely. I feel it in my chest and it sometimes stops me from writing completely. It’s writer’s block that seems to stem from insecurities inside me, from my fear of failure, something like that.
Whatever it is, it stops me from writing.
When I rationalise what it is, it seems to be some subconscious program from childhood that is running non stop and preventing me from remembering that I can write and I write well when this subversive little program isn’t running repeatedly inside my mind.
A simple childhood piece of programming that could be:
‘Do it properly or not at all.’
‘You’re doing it wrong.’
‘You can’t do this.’
‘You don’t know how to do this.’
And the more the program runs, the bigger the fear inside, the longer the feeling of numbness and then I hate myself when I realise that I haven’t done any writing that day and begin to feel like a failure. I resolve to do better the next day but the program runs again and the insidious fear overwhelms me and I can’t even start to write.
What if I could turn off that program? That little piece of programming?
Switch off ‘Doubt’.
Flick a switch in my mind to ‘Off’.
Imagine a switch that controls the fear.
Imagine turning the fear or doubt to ‘Off’.
Imagine it dissipating as fast as the light comes on and brightens that darkness.
Turn off doubt so I can write again.
So that I can believe that I can do this. I am a writer.
P.S. In the battle between doubt and hope, I’m backing hope.